Think of it as Seinfeld versus Chapelle: Both are funny, but only one comedian can play in the background while your 10-year-old is still awake. or. . Many people also like to share joke of the day one liners in messages to their family and friends. - Crime is merely politics without the excuses. Funny One Liners. I started with nothing, and I still have most of it. If God is watching us . 6 Andy Samberg. Log In. Available in standard sizes. Witty one-liners have taken over America's highway signs here are the best. - The reason they bury politicians 26 feet under is because deep down they're nice guys. The day before something is a breakthrough, it's a crazy idea. I had just returned from a two-week trip to Asia. One liner tags: car, life, sarcastic. So check this list of life lesson based funny lines and enjoy. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. Laugh at a line but don't line-up to laugh! I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge. You are reading: 32 witty, one-liner jokes about getting old to make you smile. Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora.'. "If I was an Olympic athlete, I'd rather come in last than win the silver medal. Hilarious One Liners:Marriage, Group 1. "If history repeats itself, I am so getting a dinosaur!" anonymous. 19,507 people follow this. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she doesn't want." ~ William Binger If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. The quicker the humor the more sharp it may be and the quicker at making us laugh! People who can't tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point. Here are some funny one liners to help you out: 51. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. FUNNY ONE LINERS. One-liners can be written in the following ways: Make a PUN. Life One Liners . Others whenever they go." "A computer once beat me at chess. They say money talks but mine can only say goodbye. Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again. 50 One-Liner Jokes That'd Leave You Rolling. "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. When he saw me, he ran up, gave me a big hug, and said, without a hint of sarcasm: I forgot your face, but I remembered that you are fat! . Funny Pics For FB. But not on snow day. And we all know that intelligent humour is probably the best humour there is. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Please continue while I take notes. If you can't seem to remember pick-up lines, an option like this works well. Barber Ervjeni. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. "Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The one-liners given below have been said by people like you and me. It's always amazing to us how so much wit and double meaning can be encapsulated in such short jokes. Lit up in fluorescent orange, Department of Transportation highway signs are hard to miss, especially since many states have jumped on the bandwagon of using trendy one-liners and puns to grab the attention of drivers. 4: What do prisoners use to call each other? Everyone has a photographic memory. Make sure to use extra sarcasm. But he now felt strong enough to carry it." -Amish Tripathi (Immortals of Meluha) "The only way under high heavens to get someone to do something is make them . Funny One Liners; Goal One Liners; Golf One Liners; Good Morning One Liners; Goodbye One Liners; Graduation One Liners; Idiot One Liners; Inspirational One Liners; If you can't convince them, confuse them. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He is the author of 8 books, including The Humor Advantage: Why Some Businesses Are Laughing All the Way to the Bank , The Jerk-Free Workplace, and Hire, Inspire and Fuel Their Fire. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from experts in funny like Milton Berle . The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for the night; set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. one liners on life; top one liners; one liners quotes; love one liners; good one liners; funny one liners quotes; Blog Archive 2012 (39) July (11) Money is the root of all wealth. I hope you enjoy them all and I hope they make you smile. "Never, under any circumstances . Daily you will get new and good one liner jokes of the day to share among your loved ones. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would. 11 Clean One Liner Jokes "Money talks. "You're so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line.". 82.72 % / 584 votes. Danielle Carson. Last Updated on March 8, 2022. Best One Liners 1. o O o. For a one-liner to be more humorous, puns can be used. Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was assaulted. Funny One Liners. Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. Top 100 funniest one-liners. 3 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. 59 Funny and Witty Oneliners. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. Tequila won't fix your life but it's worth a shot. See more ideas about funny quotes, witty one liners, words. By all means marry. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. Now if only I could teach him to play fetch! If there's one thing that makes me throw up, it's a dart board on a ceiling. I asked her why she drew the eyebrows that high and she seems surprised! Community. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me Steven Wright: "I think it's wrong that only . (For a roast) My friends: I know you too well to call you ladies and gentlemen. 2. Originality is the art of concealing your sources. What do you call a joke that isn't funny? This is sarcastic. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. 24. You're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it or trying to get a piece of it. More Funniest Jokes And One-Liners. Witty One Liners. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. These one-liners and jokes sound like the fodder for Christmas crackers, nevertheless I am sure you will unearth at least one gem. Top 1435 Best Funny One Liners 2021 Funny One Liners "Light travels faster than sound. When I say I am a bad electrician somebody gets shocked and my community still wonders why. Art from the Big Easy. My blood type is B Negative. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.". Most of these cute one liners are from the iconic comedians and others are from random people. 3: Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work. That cautious Old Person of Dean. Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else. Transportation officials have tested out . Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh. I went to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any. That is, making use of a word with two meanings. That is, making use of a word with two meanings. Ready for your walls, shelves, and the world. 2. The main challenge of finding a great dad joke is choosing funny jokes that are ridiculous, innocent, and suitable for all ages. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. So take a few moments to read them all and then, please pass them on. A sentence. All orders are custom made and most ship worldwide within 24 hours. I failed math so many times at school, I. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. The wife says that yes, he could. Funny One Liners Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. I gave him a glass of water. Life is full of surprises, so let us enjoy it and savor all its flavors happily. I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven . Tickle your friends' and followers' funny bone with an unexpected twist. Funny One-Liners About Life. 83.10 % / 1311 votes. "If you're going through hell, keep going." -Winston Churchill "The burden didn't feel any lighter. Work in silence, let your success speak. 25. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia. The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". But it was no match for me at kickboxing." "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. o O o. A word said with meaning but understood with another purpose is a pun. Witty One Liners about Men "You can't belay a man who's falling in love." ~ Edward Abbey "An empty man is full of himself." "A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. We love funny one liner jokes. 59+ Funny And Witty One Liners To Tell Friends There is something about comedy that always gets to us. 145+ One-Liner Jokes As Punny As They Are Funny. And more paraprosdokians! Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. 3. I had to put my foot down. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you! One liner tags: life. Witty One Liners 43% of all statistics are worthless. on this blog you can find funny liners on many topics on this post you can read one liners on life Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. - George Carlin. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 1: To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. 11 Clean One Liner Jokes "Money talks. Not a shred of evidence existsin favor of the idea that life is serious.~ Brendan Gill. Here are 20 classic one-liners: Woody Allen: "Having sex is like bridge. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you're an expert on my life and how I should live it. Hard work has a future payoff. We have lots of witty one-liners and snappy comebacks, all with the goal of engaging the opposite sex. Sarcasm about Life. - Laziness pays off now. funny one liners this blog is based on funny one liners , sad one liners , witty one liners , funny one liner. Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. For a one-liner to be more humorous, puns can be used. . Some of these pickup lines are guaranteed to have never worked. Funny one liners are the best when it comes to sharing jokes in a crowded place. "Your smile must be a black hole, nothing can escape its pull.". Dec 30, 2013. by. Sarcastic One Liners - Sarcastic Jokes; Sarcastic One Liners - Sarcastic Jokes. Don't judge a book by its movie. Brandon Gaille. Good One-Liners. Not now. Simply amazing. 52. To steal from many is research. 32. Danielle Carson. These quotes are not only funny, they are also pretty clever. The higher up you go, the scarcer it becomes. Politicians & diapers both . - All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else. In the joke world hierarchy, one-liners are a gem: they're easy to remember, take no time to tell, and if crafted just right pack a mightier punch than a joke with a longer set up. TrollFace. 19,432 people like this. 2 Do not argue with an idiot. I failed math so many times at school, I. Community See All. Create New Account. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock. They caught him stealing pens." "I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap." "When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me." "I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet." "Boy, is my wife stupid! o O o. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen. Sunday, 8 July 2012 . A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. You'll have trouble putting on your pants. Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from experts in funny like Milton Berle and Conan O . A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling. Funny One-Liners 1. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. But John came fifth and won a toaster. 4. The best funny one-liners Shutterstock "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car." "It's never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. Sarcastic One Liners - Sarcastic Jokes; Sarcastic One Liners - Sarcastic Jokes. It also shows that you're able to process . A sandwich walks into a bar. They're all here! Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness. A collection of the best funny one liners. Find best and new funny one liners on this website. T-shirts, posters, stickers, home decor, and more, designed and sold by independent artists around the world. Hero Images/Getty Images. But all mine ever says is goodbye." "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." "Some cause happiness wherever they go. For more short hilarious jokes on the same topic see Some Really Funny Short . Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. These funny life one liners sum up the daily struggles in a humorous way! . 619 people like this. On a snow day, the news is weather is travel.". This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths." "I always take life with a grain of salt. "Normally you have news, weather and travel. - Michael McIntyre. Dickson's Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. Trik Status Warna-warni FB Seluler. by Ramon March 22, 2010. Additionally, we also have inspirational quotes from leaders across the world. "DO NOT TOUCH" must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille. eraser_dust: "Letting go of a loved one can be hard, but sometimes, it's the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.". Aug 26, 2020 - Paraprosdokians are witty one-liners, perfect for social media quotes! That though is the beauty of good one-liners. Funny One Liners With all the stress going on in the world lately we all need a break. - A politician is one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after. Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex? There is something about comedy that always gets to us, doesn't it? Aug 26, 2020 - Paraprosdokians are witty one-liners, perfect for social media quotes! 1 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. Answer (1 of 530): The funniest one-liner I ever heard came from my son Max when he was four years old. 2. See more of Witty One Liners on Facebook. Ham and eggs. Humor is known to provide positive health effects on individuals by producing endorphin's that are 500 times more effective in eliminating pain than morphine. It also shows that you're able to process . To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. 82.72 % / 2923 votes. With that in mind, here are 76 super corny one-liners for kids that get . Send you one-liners to mike@mikekerr.com Michael Kerr is a Canadian Hall of Fame business speaker, very funny motivational speaker, and business trainer. 33. Updated: 1.12.2022. Answer (1 of 1340): I have eleven. The honest politician. 34. Some don't have film. One of the classic best one liners. One-Liners Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh. Professionally printed on watercolor textured boards. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me. Feb 14, 2021 - Explore Darshana Chawla's board "Witty one liners", followed by 101 people on Pinterest. And a shot of tequila." "I don't have a beer gut. - I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. One liner jokes about life, love, women, and more. Relationships, people. "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." And now we side-step over to romantic comedies. ~Chuang Tzu. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy. Bar, food. 2: Everything is edible, some things are only edible once. A word said with meaning but understood with another purpose is a pun. The following is our hand picked collection of 50 of the funniest one line quotes that is sure to leave you in splits. Dive into the categories below and make sure to add more of your own in the comments below. He won't expect it back. I, for one, like Roman Numerals. Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside. You take my life when you do take the means whereby I live. A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read. So, 22 Words decided to design posters with classy. Lots of famous quotes, witty sayings, humorous observations and the meaning of life just kidding. One liner tags: life, time, work. It's always a good time for hilarious one liners and funny short jokes. - Sara Pascoe. Originally Published: 10.7.2019. I hope you enjoyed my speech and if you did not, I hope you had a good nap. To steal from many is research. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. My favorite mythical creature? News_of_Entwives: The shovel really was a groundbreaking invention. After " Live and Let Die " villain Dr. Kananga balloons and explodes . . Plus, a slice of lemon. My father worked in a bank. Funny One Liners. When somebody . Assaulted = a salted peanut. 625 people follow this. . I married a German. Via Getty Images/Michael Heim / EyeEm. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Funny One Liners About Life ~ Life Jokes - Life is all about ass. 23. High quality One Liners inspired art board prints by independent artists and designers from around the world. This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you heard combined. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. One-liners can be written in the following ways: Make a PUN. He thought he was God and I didn't. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. Cheesy or adorable, maybe a little bit of both, When Harry Met Sally boasts a few memorable one-liners. Category Archives: Life One Liners. BBLTHRW. One liner jokes about life . I love this one liner. Funny One-Liners About Life. ~Peter H.Diamandis. I hope my speech will keep you on the edge of your seats. One Liners and Short Jokes. 1: Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. My observational comedy improved.". DukeMcGoober: Then God said unto John: "Come forth and receive eternal life.". Our most popular categories: Top 100 Funny Jokes Hilarious Jokes New Jokes Dark Humor One-Liners Clean Jokes Funny Sayings Funny Riddles Best Puns Knock Knock Jokes Bad Jokes Marriage Jokes Dad Jokes Good Jokes More Awesome Jokes. So enjoy this collection of 80 funny one liners! We'll see another a little later in the list. Whether you're young or old, I'm sure you'll be able to relate to a few of them. High quality One Liners-inspired gifts and merchandise. Good Comebacks. March 8, 2022 March 8, 2022 Entertainment Relationship by Adam Green. Love Quotes. 50. I failed math so many times at school, I. LoL bole to . Pickup Lines. Hindi Shayari. Wisdom and Philosophy one liners We repeat the line "One liner a day, keeps a doctor away" just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners. He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. So check this list of funny wisdom and philosophy lines and enjoy. In " Thunderball ," Sean Connery's Bond spears a foe with a harpoon gun, then jokes: "I think he got the point.". Funny One-Liners On Life "Life is a terminal disease." "Take my advice I'm not using it." "A clean house is a sign of a misspent life" "Don't trust atoms, they make up everything" "If you fall, I'll be there." - Floor "Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives" "Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it." The trouble with life is there's no background music. Truisms, One-liners and Witticisms Surprising Utterances of Famous People More Truisms from Famous People Funny Truisms- Magic Moments Contents0.0.0.1 1 1) Truisms, One-liners and Witticisms2 2) Surprising Utterances of Famous People3 3) More Funny Truisms . My husband and I divorced over religious differences. o O o. One could easily feel overwhelmed by the dynamic and technology-driven planet we find ourselves in. Hopefully that will be because you're interested, not because you're trying to get up the nerve to leave. One liner tags: health, life. 11 Clean One Liner Jokes "Money talks. Wishful Sayings in Life. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." A horse walks into a bar and the barman says "why the long face?" I was born to be a pessimist. Forgot account? "I bought myself some glasses. Take away the fact that there is immense multi-faceted advancement daily, and that feeling remains. Certainly, they all made me smile. Witty One-liners I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. 82.95 % / 1753 votes. A chill in the air, a cat on the lap, a mug of chocolate, and a good book. "Change is inevitableexcept from a vending machine." The following series of witty one liners are great phrases to remember so you can share them along to others. The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. Funny Life One Liners Abandonment issues: they've stayed with me my whole life. "Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious". I am originally from Indiana. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs." 3. About See All . by Team Scary Mommy. To attempt it, one of the suggestions below can be used. This is sarcastic. To attempt it, one of the suggestions below can be used. 1. Bar, food. Funny One Liners With all the stress going on in the world lately we all need a break. So enjoy! The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here". Funny One Liners. All orders are custom made and most ship worldwide within 24 hours. "Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.". You are .
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